Once More With Feeling

It’s April 11th, 2011 — do you know where your blog writing prowess is?

Kinda, clever, right? No? Okay, that’s fine. But the point is it’s been over 2 months since I’ve written anything in this blog. What was supposed to be a day by day chronicle of the “new life” I was attempting to make for myself, became a dormant, less than day-by-day chronicle. Not because nothing interesting wasn’t happening in my life, but because the interesting things weren’t happening often enough. So I decided that maybe I should attack this blog from a new perspective.

Welcome to the new 365 blog. Not exactly daily, but not exactly once a month either. The essence of the blog is still completely in tact for this incarnation, meaning that I will still update you on the crazy things that happen in my life as they occur, but I decided to expand into more that just that. The 365 blog will also play as a sounding board for me. About stuff that interests me, stuff that irritates me, etc etc.

So with that being said, let’s try this again — once more with feeling.

Leaps and Bounds

It’s day 42 of 2011. Awesome.

January wasn’t necessarily the life changing month that I had initially hoped for when I started the 365 project. Many doors were slammed in my face in terms of work and school and life in general. Not that my goals were unrealistically high, but even the lower ones didn’t come to fruition like I wanted.

Then February rolled around.

February generally is supposed to be all about Valentine’s Day and everything that goes along with it. Hearts. The color red. Significant others whom you can fondle in and out of public. But it hasn’t been like that for me at all. I’m not complaining or anything about that aspect. I’m a true believe in the idea that in order to be good for someone else, you need to be good for yourself first. I’m nowhere near being good for myself. Self esteem is low. But it’s picking back up.

You might be wondering why, if not for the idea of being in love, am I so amped about it being February? Well, I’ve got the one thing I’ve been wanted for almost a year now: A job. A good one, too.

I am officially an employee for Bank of America Home Loans. Sweet.

I’m not completely 100% sure of what my job will entail as I don’t start until the 22nd, but regardless, it’s the first and most important step to making sure that The 365 Project actually has a chance of succeeding. You can’t even attempt an amazing year of activities and change if you don’t have the funds to support it. I mean…right?

As far as school is concerned, I’m kind of at a crossroads with that.

It’s not so much a question of whether or not I want to go back, because I do. It’s more of a “when” situation. I originally planned to give myself a fresh start this spring semester. And then…I didn’t. Then I wanted to start during summer intersession, but reading up on the schools I want to transfer to, the classes I need to take I apparently can’t take during intersession. ‘Cause they suck… So I figure that maybe it’s better that I don’t start until the fall. That way I can be properly settled into the new job and not freak myself out…well, at least not too hardcore.

So here’s to the future. May more leaps and bounds into the positive direction come my way and in the direction of the people I love.

Until next time…

 

Day 5 through 10…and then 11

So, how about this project, eh? I’ve been so GREAT at keeping it updated daily…you know, like I’m supposed to.

Except I didn’t.

And here’s why:

Literally from January 4th – January 9th, I was dealing with the flu. That meant I did nothing but play Wheel of Fortune and check my facebook excessively in hopes that I could get some social contact with people since I wasn’t allowed out of the house to infect everyone else with my sickness.

Which leads me to here. Day 11. I did nothing. I shall continue to do nothing. I’m not feeling particularly reflective. Nothing extremely interesting as happened. I’m still trying to get back into the groove of the living. I will report back tomorrow when I get my mojo back…hopefully.

Sick

No, really, I’m sick.

So, you know … boo.

Home

“Echoes and silence, patience and grace, all of these moments I’ll never replace. No fear of my heart or absence of faith. All I want is to be home.”

It feels like it’s been forever since I graduated high school when in reality, it’s only been 4 years. But since my days at Palmdale High School, it feels like I’ve struggled to find my place in the outside world. No matter how hard I try, it’s felt like whenever I take 2 steps forward, I get knocked 3 steps back and especially in the last year, it started to take its toll on me. I just want to be in a place where I’m comfortable and happy. I want the place that I call “home” to be a place that I can prosper. Is that so much to ask?

This is my home.

Whether I like it or not, right now what you see about is my home. It’s in the place where I least wanna be in the world. The place where life stops at 20. Where opportunity is stagnant and progress is frowned upon. The place where section 8 is considered  “living the dream”.  And I truly hate to sound callous, but I’m better than this. Most of the people I know are better than this and yet this is what we’re stuck with.

I’m a true believer in the idea that hard work gets you far, pretty much wherever you need and want to be. This belief has led to the epiphany that I haven’t worked hard enough. It’s 2011. Time to do work.

Day 3 down and counting…

How Far Do You Wanna Go?

“Are you looking for a little more than this hold-you-down broken town. Better leave now or you’ll never know. How far do you wanna go?”

It’s the first day of 2011 and it’s been drunken, sleepless, uncomfortable, fun, irritating, and at this point, seems to be never-ending. But in what has been the longest day of my life (not really), it’s given me plenty of time to reflect on this 365 project and it’s importance. And all that reflection has lead me to this one paralyzing thought :

It’s pretty fucking important.

This thought was followed by the overwhelming feeling of wanting to violently vomit all over my computer screen. I held back that urge and proceeded to really analyze this project. Analyze and plan. Plan and decide. Decide and deal. Let’s break this down, shall we?

Analyze: Why am I doing this? What do I hope to accomplish from it? Have I lost my mind?

I’m doing this because I have this desperate desire to not just be another 25 year old living with his parents and working some dead end job while I watch my life pass me by, then have regrets in my future. I’m hoping that through this, I can learn some discipline and I seriously have hope that I’ll become a better person. My self esteem needs the bump that this would bring. And no, I haven’t lost my mind…well, not my entire mind…although, depending on who you are, you could think otherwise.

Plan: It’s like this. I’ve 12 months, 365 364 days and a whole lotta stuff that I want to do. Of course I’m gonna start off with the most important and the stuff that I know I can complete now. This includes school, getting back in a regular gym regimen, proper eating habits, etc etc. But beyond that, it’s about setting time limits and goals for the rest of the year. The planning is definitely a work in progress.

Decide: Do I really want to do this? Hell yes I do.

And finally, deal: The questions that people are inevitably going to ask, the lack of support that will be coming from all sides among other things are definitely going to make completing this next year more complicated than I think I can comprehend right now. Motivation is key. Learning to work past the criticism may prove harder than it seems.

Mah, random thoughts from a very tired boy. I think at this point, I’ll call it night.

It’s a new year. Which means new chances. Which means new opportunities. Take them all, good or bad. Happy new years everyone.

Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Fucking Around and Love the Resolution

Let me preface this by saying that I do not believe in New Year’s resolutions. I repeat: I do NOT believe in New Year’s resolutions.

But this year, I’m ignoring my lack of belief and making a resolution. A resolution in which I give myself 1 year to turn my life around. I’m calling it The 365 Project.

It’s not a secret that I’m not particularly happy or proud of where I am currently in my life. I’m 22, 4 years out of high school and I really don’t have much to show for it, except 30+ college credits and lots of wasted time. At this point, one would figure that I’ve had as many chances as one could possibly have and now the only solution is to jump into the military or just give up and live the hum drum life of convenient and dead end retail jobs. Sadly, usually I’m cool with settling into whatever comes easy, even if I don’t necessarily like it. But this time, I’m over it. I’m over sitting around and letting life come to me. I’m over being just “OK.” It’s high time that I go out and bitch slap life and make it mine, once and for all.

That’s the basis for The 365 Project: The desire to stop settling, to stop being alright with just “whatever.” To discover and start living the life that I know I deserve, the one I know I’m capable of having. There’s so much that I want to do and experience. I want to travel a bit, I want to act, I want to get serious about my education, I want to write, I want to move out of the AV, etc etc. There are a lot of wants, a lot of things that I’m hoping to accomplish. Even if I’m scared, even if others tell me not to, I’m going to live this next year to the fullest and do it by my own rules. Through daily blogs, photos, and the occasional video, you’ll experience a year in the life of guy who’s got nothing left to lose and everything to gain.

This project is ambitious and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a super ambitious person. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lazy (not purposely, anyway) and I’m always willing to work to get what I want, but there are times when I tend to get a little overzealous (StartingNow anyone?) and then the desire fizzles into nothing. But this can’t be that. Not saying that it’ll always be perfect, it’ll sometimes be a sentence long, sometimes it’ll be nonsensical. I can’t promise that it’ll all be eventful (because, really, my life is rarely ever that interesting and there are many days where I do nothing), but it’ll always be honest and to be blunt, this is more for me than it is for anyone else that happens to be reading this. It’s to prove to myself that I can keep something going and complete it.

At the end of it all, this is about making sure that I’m happy and satisfied with the life that I live. For myself.

So, on this day, December 31, 2010, I officially begin The 365 Project. Day one down and counting…